Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Q&A: Honest criticism please?

Query by Maxey: Truthful criticism please?
"So, you are positive she went this way, Captain Pervoi?" Amelia looked up at the guy she was supposed to aid. He was tanned and muscular, towering a good four feet over herself, and his scarred experience appeared to be twisted in a everlasting scowl.
"Of course I'm positive!" Pervoi hissed furiously, steely eyes crazed and angry. "I noticed the small bitch operate down right here--"
"But that was ahead of you went and lost her. She could be anywhere by now." Amelia crossed her skinny arms and pouted. "How am I intended to aid you find your minor whore if we really do not even know in which she is?"
The Captain growled. "Ashmae wasn't a whore, she was mine. You are one particular of the finest undercover agent we have in the DCA."
"But your situation is entirely inconvenient! We can not use sniffer dogs due to the fact she took everything of hers with her and you haven't got any samples, there are no safety cameras in this district and any outlets that would've had CCTV outdoors are closed for the festival!" Amelia interrupted angrily, but Pervoi continued calmly. "If you cannot find her, it's possible your popularity isn't all it is puffed up to be, Tiny Dragonfly Lady."
Amelia gulped somewhat and pulled at the hem of her silky white gown. She'd heard the rumours about Captain Aleksandr Pervoi. When items didn't go his way, he threw what the increased-ups at the DCA known as the 'Pervoi Royale' and the type of point any mother would have described as a temper tantrum. Apparently, sixteen men and women had been killed although he was executing the 'Pervoi Royale' and over fifty had been hospitalised.
To minimize a extended tale short, Amelia valued her daily life, for that reason she did NOT want to anger the Captain.
"Ah, um, well..." the girl faltered for a 2nd, "absolutely a person around here'll know where your w-- I suggest, Ashmae is?"
The Captain's encounter was expressionless. "Do whatever it requires, Dragonfly Lady. Just find her."
Amelia nodded and started to walk towards a nearby couple sat on a bench, reading through a newspaper.
(((continued in extra specifics)))
Amelia nodded and began to walk in the direction of a close by few sat on a bench, looking at a newspaper.
"Excuse me, sir, madam. Have you witnessed a tall caramel-skinned, black haired lady sporting instead skimpy garments run down here not too long ago?" She spoke quietly and easily, producing them focus to be able to hear each word she spoke. 
The guy, a plump balding guy in his late 50s, answered after a moment's consideration. 
"She was heading to the docks."

"Shit." Pervoi and Amelia mentioned in unison. They ran as fast as they perhaps could, but when they'd obtained to the docks they'd located, to their dismay, that there was no trace of Pervoi's small 'pet' anywhere.
"She must've boarded a single of the airships that docked right here," Amelia mentioned desperately. "We should check the mayor's information and see who--"
"There'll be no purpose to do that, Amelia." A tough Irish voice rang out from across the road. The woman span all around, brandishing a knife, but calm when she noticed the face of the interrupter belonged to an ol
older workmate of hers.
"Isaac. What d'you suggest, there's no need to examine?"
Isaac ran his fingers by way of his vibrant red hair and sighed. "There is only been one ship docked here nowadays. The Lunar Covenant ship Clockwork."
Instantly Pervoi cursed. "Of all the ships to stow away on, she just had to pick that a single, did not she!"
Amelia was perplexed. "What's so wrong about this Clockwork?"
Pervoi buried his face in one of his large hairy fingers. "Despite getting a rookie ship, Clockwork has one particular of the finest pilots in the Lunar Covenant controlling her. It will be damn near unattainable to get her back."
There was a little silence. 
"Effectively, thank you for your time, Dragonfly Girl. You managed to track her down, even if her area is unlucky, to say the minimum." The Captain dug into his pockets and pulled out a generous stack of notes. "Your payment."
Amelia smiled mischeviously and took the notes. "Thank you, Captain Pervoi. Good luck with getting your girl back again."
The man just grunted and walked
walked away, leaving Amelia and Isaac by yourself to discuss. 
"That is a fair quantity. The boss should be pleased." Isaac smirked. 
"That moron almost busted my cover. He'd far better not come back again." Amelia muttered bitterly,  and the two commenced the lengthy walk back through the city.
"So, did you discover out anything interesting?" the taller gentleman turned to his more youthful accomplice, who smirked and advised him anything the captain had said.
"Excellent. Tell that to the boss and she'll give you a bonus for positive."
"To be honest....I am a lot more interested in what is heading to transpire among the Dark Cross Alliance and the Lunar Covenant. Someday quickly, a total-blown war will break out, and I hope I'm around to see it." Amelia smiled, a look of evil material on her younger, pale experience. 
"A ha ha ha! Who do you believe will win?"
The girl's face darkened.
"I'm not certain, but one factor I know for particular.
BLOOD WILL BE SHED."

Criticism please, be honest! :)


Best reply:

Answer by rockon13
Your book is fantastic and it is excellent! The only factor I would point out is maybe trying to locate some synonyms. Your story clip is just stunning and so realistic. You create as if you have currently been printed! Maintain writing, employing your imagination, and functioning challenging!



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